Tomorrow...

I'm having real trouble writing. I was going to do this big post on surviving the summer holidays, actually on all the freaking fun we had this summer. Because quite frankly we had a blast. But it's not coming out right, it's not where am at this very minute. How do I describe my thoughts this evening? This hour? This minute? That feeling that time keeps ticking on...

Let me take you to another beautiful place we discovered this summer. Literally 5 minutes from our house. It will give you a picture while I stumble my way through this feeling in my tummy. This butterfly feeling...

You see Isaac is starting preschool tomorrow. Its only preschool for Gods sake not even actual school. Every morning during the week. It's the first time I've handed him over to someone other than my husband, Grandparents or friends. He's ready, like climbing the walls ready. And little brother Lucas is ready for some well deserved one on one time with mummy every morning too. It is a good thing. I know this. I also know that as a teacher I always reassured the mums that we would take care of them and remind them gently that a quick exit is usually better. But its a whole different ball game when its your own huh? Will he cry when I leave? Will he feel abandoned? Mind you I'm not even leaving him tomorrow, I get to stay with him the first morning so what the hell is wrong with me?

Often I find myself just focusing on getting through the day. Because News flash! My boys ain't easy. But getting through to what? The next day? Because soon they will get gone and I'll weep for the memory of these beautiful days right here, right now. If this blog has taught me anything its to stop and see now the little things right now beautiful and real...

So sitting here thinking of the summer we just had is making me feel like...

...like I really want to stop time. Stop it with my teeth if I have to. To hold on to my boys tightly while I whisper 'don't change too quickly, you are still mine a little while longer'...

 I don't usually feel this way because I love to see them growing and changing. I get excited with each new word said, or difficult activity mastered. Its just that...

You are growing so fast...

 Wasn't it yesterday I held you in my arms for the first ever time?

You see I have never loved the way I love you.

So there you go first ever post written with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes over my not a baby anymore boy...

I want to stop time and keep you both as mine.