Preschool and my hurting heart

My baby started preschool a couple of weeks ago. It's only afternoons and it's really good for him.  Long before he started everyone kept asking me when it was that he was starting? And every time my stomach would tighten. I didn't want to think about it. He was starting a lot earlier than his brother did and to me he seems too small. 

He seems too small. 

For the last 5 years I haven't had anytime in a week day without a little person to take care of. The thought of every afternoon alone suddenly seemed too big. Would he be okay without me?

Would I be okay without him...

On his first day I took him in the classroom, hung up his coat and bag, gave his name label to the teacher and kissed him goodbye. Just like his brother before him he brushed my kisses away and quickly ran off to play with the toys. Neither of my boys have ever been clingy or nervous. People tell me its a good thing they are so confident.  I know that it is. It would be horrible to have to pry them off me and walk away leaving them crying. Regardless walking away that first day hurt my heart so bad. Walking back through the woods alone it felt like I was missing something. 

Something important...

Once you have children you get a lot of these hurting moments. Bittersweet important moments. So when I arrived home the house felt so empty and quiet. I felt like I was tip toeing around. I felt like my heart was walking around out there without me. I felt lost.
My house was missing someone...

I rang my mum and immediately burst into tears. She told me she felt exactly the same way the day I started school. That it wasn't so bad with my brother because she still had me at home to take care of. But taking me to school and walking back alone had just about broken her heart. She then told me to do something nice, (not housework!) something just for me. Something I normally don't have much time to do with two boys constantly demanding my attention. She said that this was my time now too. Time that I haven't had for so long.
Change is good even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
    So I did. I had a cup of tea, I played on photoshop and wrote my first blog in a long time. Before I knew it, it was time to pick him up again and I was giddy to see him. When I got there he was clearly happy and he ran towards me saying 'Mummys here!'

He does this face to make me laugh. It cracks me up everytime...

He hasn't been going there long but he is talking better already. Like a lot better. He likes it and having a bit of time to get things done without interruptions in the afternoons means more quality time with him in the mornings. So I still have him to myself for a little bit longer.

Hey boys stop growing up so quickly! Mummy can't take it...